Fun Fun FUN at Rapha Super Cross

So it turns out I can sometimes be a little bit rapid off the start line...  I find myself 4th into the first bend!

OK OK OK... so it's 'only' the Fun Category of the recent Rapha Super Cross event at Broughton Hall, Skipton, but still... 4th is 4th!

Yes yes yes... there's only 10 competitors in our race, and the field comprises elves, fairies and a tandem riding horse.... and not forgetting my own little homage to early 90s Acid House pioneers Altern-8.  YES it's Altern-8 NOT a painter and decorator - seemed obvious to me!  Still... 4th is 4th!

So the first hurdle of the race - the sprint to the first bend - is done - tick - that's history.  Huffing and puffing hard through the dust mask of my fancy dress (what ever possessed me?) and somewhat elated at my progress I focus on the second hurdle of the race - Bend 2...

Now, not even 30 seconds into the race - and I'm only at the second bend of the opening lap - but holding 4th place - and my race starts to fall apart! No fitness you see, and the speed of my opening sprint is unsustainable... 4th is no longer 4th... it's 5th, 6th, 7th, etc!

The race was not over yet, however, there was the tequila short cut.  "All these sinewy cycling types will avoid the booze surely" I thought. This leaving open to me, and my already ruined liver, full exploitation of the boozey option!  How wrong I was - the tequila short cut in fact formed the main racing line and was frequented by all as often as possible!  However, 6No. Tequilas down and I didn't care what position I was in - but boy does it burn - a bit like inhaling pepper spray!

And then there was foam. Interesting to ride through and horrible to inhale!  Yes readers, even with the protection of my dust mask I managed a lungful!  Trying a sly gulp of air on approach, an errant floaty globule found its way to my mouth.. GULP! COUGH! SPLUTTER! FAIRY LIQUID! TEQUILA!  LITTLE BIT OF SICK!  It all happened at once! 

Fifteen minutes of Fun Cat doesn't sound like much but it turned into a bit of a queasy breathless soapy double visioned mud plugging tipsy foam smeared epic!  It was a good laugh though I'll be honest.

Thanks to Joolze Dymond for the photos.

Playing the Points Game, Lessons Learnt and Todmorden

En route breakfast stop and derailleur in situ.

I wasn't going to comment on my final Yorkshire Points race of 2013 at Todmoden, due it being a rather dismal damp squib of an affair, what with a ripped off rear derailleur and all!  It ripped off at the start of the second lap and my remaining contributions to the race comprised steadily trotting around, stopping and chatting, having breathers and actually watching the race, and eventually crossing the line and declaring myself as DNF.  

However, I've just been perusing the final standings and I've realisied what an idiot I've been!

You see, this was only about 10mins before the winners crossed the line!  In retrospect I'd have been better actually walking more slowly and doing more chatting... or even popping for a coffee and a slab of heavily alcohol laced Jo Allen Tod Brownie (YUM!) before re joining the course and crossing the line as an actual finisher.

Sans derailleur!  Tanks Jo Allen for the Photo

This would amassed me ~50 points (rather than 0) - yes 50!

And would have catapulted me in the final standings from 143rd looser boy/also ran to a top 100 higher roller/mixing it with the big boys finisher of the highest calibre.  The kind of elevated socially acceptable position where I am no longer mocked, no longer pointed at and laugh at, but, instead, people nudge and whisper amongst themselves "hey, there's that John from HCtB... best watch him... he knows what he's doing when he gets his leg over a CX bike... he finished in the top 100 last year!"  That kind of thing!

So the you can go slow and gain lessons was learnt.

Gratuitous and unnecessary photo of a Sweet Centre Chickpea Curry
Breakfast - the breakfast of champions! 

Other useful lessons from the day were:  It is possible to eat a Chickpea Curry Breakfast en route to Tod and not feel wretched for the entire race, and it's best to give it 20mins before driving after eating one of Jo Allen's Tod Brownies!

So not all was lost and remember... Every day is a school day!

Here Comes the Clydesdale...

Rapha Supercross - Broughton Hall

A festival of cyclocross - Rapha seem to do this kind of thing well.  Elite race, fun race, cowbells, food, beer tent, stuff for kids and, most importantly, a Clydesdale Category.

This was to be my time to shine - I was going to win this.  The format seemed simple enough:

1. Weigh over 90kgs - Easy... check

2. Win your race - HHhhmmm?

3. Buy food - Long queues put me off a bit but essentially check.

4. Buy beer - I can drink, and I had a driver, so a big fat check

And that was it basically - The title had my name written all over it.

Due to the franticness of signing on and preparing myself for the start of the Vets, my main goal for the day slipped my mind, and I forgot to make my intentions apparent to the race officials. 

Moving on though, the race passed without hitch.  The technically unchallenging course was very heavy under wheel, and became a slog fest of abject misery!  I tussled with a few back markers and slowly inched my way around to the finish on 82%. The highlight of each lap was passing through the crowd, where the volume created by all the cheering and cowbells was quite overwhelming, and made me quite emotional.  Chapeau to the crowd.

Post race, the first pint passed to me by my pit crew* was gasped down easily - as was the second!  Now it was time to push the pace - no surrender!  Three, four... go go go!

However, my new found eagerness to push the boundaries of human endurance, in the selfless quest to bring glory and silverware HCtB, was short lived - I was informed by the race marshals that there would be no Clydesdale Category today!  A little deflated, I slowly eased down and relaxed.  No need to lay it on the line for the team today after all.  The abuse would have to wait for another day.

So, Rapha, if you are reading - I WILL be back next year, subject to further anticipated failed diets... be afraid... be very afraid!  

I will claim the prize which is rightfully mine...

*wife and daughter - thanks for the support you two.

Lanzarote Winter Training Camp

Managed to find some cobbles 'Lanzarote style' today during our winter training camp. Obviously I use the term 'training camp' in its broadest possible sense!

Harriers vs Cyclists

This was one of those races I'd never done despite it being virtually on my doorstep and passing through a favourite bouldering venue, Shipley Glen. Partly I'd always given it a miss because it came the day before Bingley CX a Yorkshire Points counter and one of the classic Yorkshire courses. Not so this year with changes in the calendar and Saturday found me eagerly lining up for a very atypical cross event. For those who don't know it the basic format is an out and back from near the Fisherman's Inn up through Shipley Glen and then round Hope Hill and back. I don't know the history but it looks like a classic 'pub bet' type course 'Who would be quicker, a cyclist or a runner?' The mix of terrain makes it a surprisingly even battle the outcome often decided by how heavy the going is with drier conditions suiting the cyclists. This year it was wet. Very wet.

Where have the bikes gone?

After doing a few hill reps to warm up the legs it was time to shoulder the bike and toe the start line. The bike stayed on the shoulder for the first hill and a couple of fields after that, watching Dave remount 30 yards ahead and come to almost a dead stop convinced me that there was no point trying to ride until the terrain headed down or firmed up. A short section of firmer field allowed a remount and led down to a concrete road, then up a rough track and steeply down to the mill pond. A steep carry up to the top of the 'Glen and then along parallel to the Glen Road for a while plus a little wet loop and on to Hope Hill. Alistair caught me as we ascended but then I got away on the loop round and down. I'd forgotten the 'wet section' over the road and as the rider ahead dismounted I tried to ride it - cue over the bars

Over the bars evidence

Then it was just a reverse of the outward route and some happy chatting in the sun with a few old and new 'Belgians Rich Seipp, Carl, Mathew and not forgetting Dave and (non-'Belgian) Emma doing her first CX who managed to keep her bike incredibly clean. A cyclist won by a handful of seconds, Rob Jebb, but he'd beat most folk running the whole way carrying his bike! Overall the harriers were victorious - the rules state the first 10 count and Andy Peace was the only other cyclist in the top ten! Dave Haygarth was just outside in 13th. @Hanglebads photos

Pleasant chatting

It’s all About the Fake Tan



Tanned Shins



After what I considered a rather poor opening Summer Cross Round One at Keighley, I rolled up at Tod - for already the second time this year - a little deflated.  By now, all the anger and frustrations from the other week had ebbed, and the promises I had made myself had gone by the by… However, I had managed to fake tan my shins.



Being an amply proportioned gentleman in a bicycle racing environment, populated by super skinny fit wheeled gazelle like creatures, who effortlessly pedal/run rapidly up hill and down dale… seemingly all day long, I usually spend most of my time riddled with paranoia! 



Tanned Shins in Action



Slow…  Unfit…  Beer belly…  Muffin top…  Too short…  Too tall…  Too hairy…  Not hairy enough??  The list goes on.  But it’s my pasty shins that cause me the most misery.  So, fake tanned up to the max I rallied myself to the line and got ready for the cobbles.

What can I say but the fake tan worked.  I was 4% better!  My contemporaries must have been dazzled to the point of apathy by my bristling freshly bronzed shins!!  I’ll never go un-fake tanned ever again.

Another day… Another lesson learned.

Chilli Jam

Just spotted this at the World Curry Festival and thought it rather fitting – what with this being the eve of the race and all.